I know.

Days pass by and I keep thinking, why am I not dumb? Why? I am tired of living. I just don't see any point in being an intellectual. With all the self - esteem it gives, it takes away some freedom. While I know what's true and what's not in this world of surmountable information, It's of no use. Because nothing remains to drive for. I am a tired soul, burdened by the knowledge I sought for, warped in the answers I never thought of.

I want to be simple now. I want to be lively. When I look at a tree, I don't want to think about the axe that can cut it, bulldozer that can uproot it or time that will slowly erode away it's presence, I just want to breathe looking at those leaves, half-green half-brown, and lie down beside it. But I can't now. All the duality in world and one thing that can't be reversed is the ability to know, I know.

Twenty years I have lived for, and out of which ten I scarcely remember. The other ten are like a palette of colors, it has all. The bright one, the dark ones and the grey ones. What remains then to see? How can I be intoxicated? My parents live far away. My friends too, metaphorically. I don't let them come close. I can't guide anybody to abyss. They won't understand until they take the steps by themselves.

Sometimes I think, everybody knows what the truth is. There is no need or urge to seek truth. Everybody knows it. What we keep searching for, is a better lie, a sweeter poison. Because we just can't accept our times.

Right now, I have a knife in my hand. Don't worry, I am not a maniac to cut my hand. In fact, If I wanted to die, I know better ways to do so. I just don't want to. At the end, I also choose what everybody does, life. But in this state of no light, when I look at my knife, held horizontally in my hand, I see words being reflected from my laptop's screen. These very same words, as clear and concise, but opposite. And that's what I think of life.